Five more radiation treatments. It all ends this Friday. My breasts feel so full of ammo that I think someone should notify George Bush that I am a bigger threat to national security than Iran.

I am so very, very tired. And beaten down. I am thankful to the dog walkers and errand runners who are getting me through this phase.

Now here is a bizarre and disconcerting twist to the radiation portion of my cancer saga:

My doctor has a blog. I am not kidding. Check it out if you don't believe me.

http://avoidmuse.blogspot.com/

Yep, that's him. One of my radiation oncologists also happens to be a poet and self indulgent blogger.

If this isn't a postmodern experience, I don't know what is.

In some ways it has enlightened me as to why they don't really care that I have been suffering so much through this treatment. First, I have a fairly simple case and a good prognosis. Odds are, I am not doing this whole thing in vain. So, in the grand triage scheme of radiation therapy I should just shut up and bear it.

Unsurprisingly, his blog is a bit like a reality show.  Here is an excerpt from Sept. 1:

"This week cannot get any worse. Please. It just can't. After an incredibly aggressive surgery. After high-dose radiation therapy, I just learned today that a standard follow up imaging study on one of my patients found recurrence. This patient is not even two months out from finishing treatment. I am completely depressed now. We did everything, went above and beyond the call despite others telling us we were stupid to even try. Well, I guess they were right. How now to tell her that we all failed, that she has an uncontrolled tumor that is growing and will some day take her life. How to tell her that we have nothing left, that chemo doesn't work much in this type of tumor. I felt nauseated when I saw the imaging study. I felt sick. I still feel sick. Why am I telling you this, you ask? Well, I don't know why I am telling you this. I don't know."”

Then, he talks to the patient on Sept. 5 (who could have just read his blog to get their results - what a waste of a trip to the hospital!)

"What a morning. Haven't had time to post. I have been trying to, but just haven't had the chance. Very busy day. The talk with the patient did not go well. It went terribly. It has totally effed up my day, but I am trying hard not to show distress to the other patients currently getting treatment. And this is hard because it is Tuesday and I am still alone in clinic, so I am seeing all of the patients currently getting treatment."

And if you keep reading, you find out that the reason he is all alone during this high stress week (during which he is so so busy that he doesn't even have time for his blog!) is because the other doctor went to “Burning Man.”

Burning Man?!? Oh my. I guess I should be glad these people have full lives but I wish that he had figured out a way to share his thoughts and feelings less publicly.

(do maybe all of you wish I would share my thoughts and feelings less publicly? Ouch.)

Well, that is this week's report. All 100% true. Truth IS always stranger than fiction.