One way I know that I have my brain back is that I can read a book. Something inspired me to pick up and read "It's not about the bike" by Lance Armstrong. I read the book a few years ago, and got a lot out of it as someone who grew up with cancer. Now that I have cancer myself, I suppose there are things I see in a different light.

One thing that I got out of this book, is that I do not feel as awful as I did a month ago. Lance had an incredibly intense chemo regimen and I would have gotten physically ill reading about it when I was dealing with a lot of nausea. Now I can read it and mostly feel thankful that I did not have to take the drugs that he did.

I had also forgotten how much his cancer had spread and just how close to death he was. Truly in this struggle I do not feel as if I have faced my own mortality. It has been scary and intense, but not life threatening. Or, that is how it has seemed to me.

I am, if nothing else, a practical person. I figure that if my Mom had a much worse case of breast cancer than I did in 1969 and eked out fourteen years after that, I have all kinds of time.

Meanwhile, having my brain back has me thinking about the future. What's next in the grand scheme of things? What am I going to do when I am well again? I look forward to going back to work in June or July but where do I want to be in five or ten years? Stanford? Santiago? Winning the Tour de France?

I feel as if a breast cancer diagnosis has been looming over me my entire life. I am not quite sure when people starting looking at me like I was a life size cancer target but it seems like forever. Now that that dreaded day has come I feel as if I can move on with my life. So ironic. But that is how I feel; as if I have much more of a future to ponder.

My current goals are all about getting stronger and getting well. I really love my fitness program at the Page Mill YMCA and look forward to being able to ride a real bike again. If you don't count my chocolate addiction, I am eating healthy and enjoying it.

Late this afternoon, two girls who live in my building stopped by with their Mother to bring me a gift. Shiori is seven and can best be described as determined. Mizuki is four and has one goal in life; to do everything exactly like Shiori.

Once they were in my condo, they wanted to see Phred. (the fish.) Then they wanted to feed him. Then they wanted to know why his water is so murky. Since it was time to change the water, I decided to let them help me. To make a long story short, I am happy to report that Phred lived through this experience. But I doubt that he is in a hurry to see either of them again.

Then I felt tired and their Mother saw that so she started motivating the girls to go. Then they wanted to hug me. Then they wanted to hug me again. Then they wanted another hug. Even though I was tired, and even though I was ready to lie down, all I could think was If someone really wants to hug you that much, it is probably a good thing.

So yes, my brain is working again. A welcome event!